I've changed therapists. Philippa just wasn't doing it for me anymore, and I found myself highly annoyed with her almost every session.

I'm seeing Kitty now - and that feels a bit awkward because we've been Facebook friends for probably 8 or 10 years now.  I think I only ever met her in person that one time back in 2004 or so.

It's only been a couple of sessions, and I'm still not sure yet if there's any chemistry.

Anyway, I can't bring myself to tell her that I have passive suicidal thoughts, still.  It's not just the Lisa thing. It's me thinking about all the people who now no longer have me in their lives. Two daughters. A sister. An ex-wife. Half-siblings. Full blooded sibling. I'm the common denominator. I can't kid myself into thinking that they are the ones with the problem. I drive people away, apparently.

But, the thoughts are still only passive.

I'm going to be 60 in a couple of months. The likelihood of me finding love and someone who wants to spend "forever" with me, and with whom I would want to spend forever, well, the odds are not in favor of it.

I feel like I'm destined to live, and die, alone.

Other than Lynn, right now, if I had a heart attack or a fall at home, nobody would know.  Lynn would worry, but figure I was out and about and/or ignoring her. I would die alone. A sobering and yet troubling thought.

I need to explore this a bit with Kitty - I need to tell her, talk about this, get past it.