Legacy

It's been six months since I started this blog, thinking that I might have some new things to think about and hash over in my mind.

I have ended my relationship with Lynn, for all intents and purposes. I had grown weary of her, of the relationship, of all of it. I felt she was clingy. I knew I was becoming aloof. It had run it's course. She asked what my thoughts were about us, and so I told her.

What I didn't tell her is that I still miss Lisa terribly. TERRIBLY!

And more than that, more than that, the blackness has returned. I am in such a dark, dark place that I can barely breathe. I feel like I'm drowning in some viscous liquid that has filled my lungs and, I'm trying to scream, but my voice is silenced by the liquid. At the same time, I almost, ALMOST welcome the drowning.

I think a lot about suicide these days. I don't actively plan it, but the thoughts are there. If I just end it all, the silence, the pain, and the loneliness will stop.  Facing a future of more loneliness and grief just seems like more than I can carry. More pain than I can bear. And mostly, it's the pain.

In recent months I have come to realize that there is not one single person on this planet who would be concerned if they didn't hear from me every day.  That's a sobering thought - that I could lay dead in my house from an accident or heart attack or stroke, and nobody would know for days, possibly weeks.

Such is my legacy.