Genesis?

I had to create a secret blog - one that I absolutely cannot share with anyone, save maybe a therapist.  I have so much going on in my head and, as I try to work through these things, I find that one thing always comes to the front of my brain - Lisa.

Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa.

God, a year ago I was so goddamned mad at her and was consumed with that anger. Today I am consumed with the loss of her.  The loss of the dreams. The loss of the companionship. The loss of her love for me, and more importantly, my love for her. I miss having someone to love.

I miss snuggling up against the warmth of her skin at night. I miss reaching out for her in the night when my sleep is troubled or disturbed.

I miss her smile when she comes in the door at the end of a long workday. I miss hearing her drone on and on about stock numbers and insignificant parts and unimportant details.  I miss her voice. I miss those piercing blue-gray eyes that sparkle with humor each time she smiles.

I miss laughing with her. Oh God, the laughter! The times we laughed so hard it hurt and just as we settled down from the laughter, we'd launch into peals of laughter again, tears streaming down our faces. And over the stupidest things like bad puns. Or recounting an experience together, as a tag team.

I am alone and broken.  I haven't felt whole since the whole thing broke open almost 2 years ago.  She took something from me that wasn't hers to take. Our love. Our friendship. Our companionship. Our compatibility. Our laughter. Our hopes and dreams. Our plans for the future. Our sense of security. Our peace and safety within each other. All of it. Gone.

I am far healthier today than I was two years ago, or even one year ago. And yet, I realize I'm not healthy. I still suffer from depression, apathy, lethargy, even disinterest in life around me.  I retired in November, I'm facing financial ruin, and yet, while I want to do something about it, I find myself rooted in indecision and enough apathy to do nothing at all.

I contemplate suicide sometimes. Passively. I have no plan or any real desire to end my life, but it's there, sometimes. It's like a foreign object I hold in my hand, turning it over and over, inspecting it, trying to define it, understand it, even just see it for what it is. I believe this is borne from my intense loneliness.

Do I miss Lisa? Or do I miss having someone in my life who makes me feel safe and warm and loved and happy?  Can I be that way with anyone? Or do I need Lisa for that?

I have Lynn.

I once told Lisa that I loved her with my heart, not just my head.  I think this meant that I loved her deeply, with all the love I was capable of feeling, deep inside the core of my very being.  I once loved Lynn, with my head, but now find myself avoiding saying those 3 words to her that she needs to hear.  "I love you."  Do I?  I feel a certain amount of affection for her, but it's all in my head. My heart is numb and I often feel that I will never FEEL love in my heart ever again.  But is Lisa still there? Or is my heart so hurt and broken by Lisa's infidelity that it cannot feel anything? How much time do I need before I can truly feel love again?

I feel smothered by Lynn, but helpless to say so. She's fragile, no matter how strong she feels she has become. She loves me in a way that I cannot love her back. I find myself annoyed by having to talk to her every day, or by her need to come here or me to go there. And yet, sexually, I feel fulfilled and warm and safe at that moment in the act.  Afterward, I am happy to be with her but, within a day's time, the annoyance is back.

I need to find a new therapist. I need to explore all of this. I need to feel whole again.