Lonely

I've finally realized that what has brought me down so low emotionally is the intense loneliness I feel.  I've told Lynn that we need to take a step back, reassess our relationship.  While I DO love her, I cannot love her the way she wants me to love her. The way she NEEDS me to love her.

Sometimes I feel smothered by her. When she comes to the house, she literally sits right on top of me.  I have very little space on the end of the couch because I'm so squished in by how closely and tightly she sits up against me. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe.

Sometimes she just irritates me. For no specific reason.

She drinks too much.  And when she drinks too much, I end up drinking too much. We cannot have just one glass of wine, we have to kill off an entire bottle and, often, open another. When I stop at a second glass, she just keeps going.  We can often kill of a 5 liter box in a weekend. It's cost me a lot of money.  I take ownership of how much I drink, but when I say we kill off a 5 liter box, I can honestly say that she drinks 3 of the 5 liters, at least.

She sometimes falls asleep during sex. Just *POOF*  she's gone. That's disheartening and frankly it's hurtful. I believe that it's due to the excessive alcohol intake combined with her meds. She takes a huge quantity of meds, many of them psychotropics.

She's a doormat for those around her, which has caused some problems between the two of us.

But more than anything else, above all else, even with her in my life, I'm lonely. I have worked so hard to be rid of the specter of Lisa in my life but it seems like the more I try to erase her, the more she stays in my thoughts and my heart.  Something will happen in my day and I want to tell her about it, but then remember that I can't - that she's not part of the life I share with her anymore.

I don't know if I miss her specifically, or if I'm just so goddamned lonely that I THINK I miss her.  I suppose that's something I'll have to explore with a new therapist. I think I need to go back to therapy. Not to Philippa, she just annoys the shit out of me anymore.  I got to where I was miserable when I left therapy, and often upset with her.  I need to get the poison out, but I'm not sure I know exactly what the poison is.

I'm just so goddamned lonely.