Legacy

It's been six months since I started this blog, thinking that I might have some new things to think about and hash over in my mind.

I have ended my relationship with Lynn, for all intents and purposes. I had grown weary of her, of the relationship, of all of it. I felt she was clingy. I knew I was becoming aloof. It had run it's course. She asked what my thoughts were about us, and so I told her.

What I didn't tell her is that I still miss Lisa terribly. TERRIBLY!

And more than that, more than that, the blackness has returned. I am in such a dark, dark place that I can barely breathe. I feel like I'm drowning in some viscous liquid that has filled my lungs and, I'm trying to scream, but my voice is silenced by the liquid. At the same time, I almost, ALMOST welcome the drowning.

I think a lot about suicide these days. I don't actively plan it, but the thoughts are there. If I just end it all, the silence, the pain, and the loneliness will stop.  Facing a future of more loneliness and grief just seems like more than I can carry. More pain than I can bear. And mostly, it's the pain.

In recent months I have come to realize that there is not one single person on this planet who would be concerned if they didn't hear from me every day.  That's a sobering thought - that I could lay dead in my house from an accident or heart attack or stroke, and nobody would know for days, possibly weeks.

Such is my legacy.

I've changed therapists. Philippa just wasn't doing it for me anymore, and I found myself highly annoyed with her almost every session.

I'm seeing Kitty now - and that feels a bit awkward because we've been Facebook friends for probably 8 or 10 years now.  I think I only ever met her in person that one time back in 2004 or so.

It's only been a couple of sessions, and I'm still not sure yet if there's any chemistry.

Anyway, I can't bring myself to tell her that I have passive suicidal thoughts, still.  It's not just the Lisa thing. It's me thinking about all the people who now no longer have me in their lives. Two daughters. A sister. An ex-wife. Half-siblings. Full blooded sibling. I'm the common denominator. I can't kid myself into thinking that they are the ones with the problem. I drive people away, apparently.

But, the thoughts are still only passive.

I'm going to be 60 in a couple of months. The likelihood of me finding love and someone who wants to spend "forever" with me, and with whom I would want to spend forever, well, the odds are not in favor of it.

I feel like I'm destined to live, and die, alone.

Other than Lynn, right now, if I had a heart attack or a fall at home, nobody would know.  Lynn would worry, but figure I was out and about and/or ignoring her. I would die alone. A sobering and yet troubling thought.

I need to explore this a bit with Kitty - I need to tell her, talk about this, get past it.

Lonely

I've finally realized that what has brought me down so low emotionally is the intense loneliness I feel.  I've told Lynn that we need to take a step back, reassess our relationship.  While I DO love her, I cannot love her the way she wants me to love her. The way she NEEDS me to love her.

Sometimes I feel smothered by her. When she comes to the house, she literally sits right on top of me.  I have very little space on the end of the couch because I'm so squished in by how closely and tightly she sits up against me. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe.

Sometimes she just irritates me. For no specific reason.

She drinks too much.  And when she drinks too much, I end up drinking too much. We cannot have just one glass of wine, we have to kill off an entire bottle and, often, open another. When I stop at a second glass, she just keeps going.  We can often kill of a 5 liter box in a weekend. It's cost me a lot of money.  I take ownership of how much I drink, but when I say we kill off a 5 liter box, I can honestly say that she drinks 3 of the 5 liters, at least.

She sometimes falls asleep during sex. Just *POOF*  she's gone. That's disheartening and frankly it's hurtful. I believe that it's due to the excessive alcohol intake combined with her meds. She takes a huge quantity of meds, many of them psychotropics.

She's a doormat for those around her, which has caused some problems between the two of us.

But more than anything else, above all else, even with her in my life, I'm lonely. I have worked so hard to be rid of the specter of Lisa in my life but it seems like the more I try to erase her, the more she stays in my thoughts and my heart.  Something will happen in my day and I want to tell her about it, but then remember that I can't - that she's not part of the life I share with her anymore.

I don't know if I miss her specifically, or if I'm just so goddamned lonely that I THINK I miss her.  I suppose that's something I'll have to explore with a new therapist. I think I need to go back to therapy. Not to Philippa, she just annoys the shit out of me anymore.  I got to where I was miserable when I left therapy, and often upset with her.  I need to get the poison out, but I'm not sure I know exactly what the poison is.

I'm just so goddamned lonely.

Genesis?

I had to create a secret blog - one that I absolutely cannot share with anyone, save maybe a therapist.  I have so much going on in my head and, as I try to work through these things, I find that one thing always comes to the front of my brain - Lisa.

Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Lisa.

God, a year ago I was so goddamned mad at her and was consumed with that anger. Today I am consumed with the loss of her.  The loss of the dreams. The loss of the companionship. The loss of her love for me, and more importantly, my love for her. I miss having someone to love.

I miss snuggling up against the warmth of her skin at night. I miss reaching out for her in the night when my sleep is troubled or disturbed.

I miss her smile when she comes in the door at the end of a long workday. I miss hearing her drone on and on about stock numbers and insignificant parts and unimportant details.  I miss her voice. I miss those piercing blue-gray eyes that sparkle with humor each time she smiles.

I miss laughing with her. Oh God, the laughter! The times we laughed so hard it hurt and just as we settled down from the laughter, we'd launch into peals of laughter again, tears streaming down our faces. And over the stupidest things like bad puns. Or recounting an experience together, as a tag team.

I am alone and broken.  I haven't felt whole since the whole thing broke open almost 2 years ago.  She took something from me that wasn't hers to take. Our love. Our friendship. Our companionship. Our compatibility. Our laughter. Our hopes and dreams. Our plans for the future. Our sense of security. Our peace and safety within each other. All of it. Gone.

I am far healthier today than I was two years ago, or even one year ago. And yet, I realize I'm not healthy. I still suffer from depression, apathy, lethargy, even disinterest in life around me.  I retired in November, I'm facing financial ruin, and yet, while I want to do something about it, I find myself rooted in indecision and enough apathy to do nothing at all.

I contemplate suicide sometimes. Passively. I have no plan or any real desire to end my life, but it's there, sometimes. It's like a foreign object I hold in my hand, turning it over and over, inspecting it, trying to define it, understand it, even just see it for what it is. I believe this is borne from my intense loneliness.

Do I miss Lisa? Or do I miss having someone in my life who makes me feel safe and warm and loved and happy?  Can I be that way with anyone? Or do I need Lisa for that?

I have Lynn.

I once told Lisa that I loved her with my heart, not just my head.  I think this meant that I loved her deeply, with all the love I was capable of feeling, deep inside the core of my very being.  I once loved Lynn, with my head, but now find myself avoiding saying those 3 words to her that she needs to hear.  "I love you."  Do I?  I feel a certain amount of affection for her, but it's all in my head. My heart is numb and I often feel that I will never FEEL love in my heart ever again.  But is Lisa still there? Or is my heart so hurt and broken by Lisa's infidelity that it cannot feel anything? How much time do I need before I can truly feel love again?

I feel smothered by Lynn, but helpless to say so. She's fragile, no matter how strong she feels she has become. She loves me in a way that I cannot love her back. I find myself annoyed by having to talk to her every day, or by her need to come here or me to go there. And yet, sexually, I feel fulfilled and warm and safe at that moment in the act.  Afterward, I am happy to be with her but, within a day's time, the annoyance is back.

I need to find a new therapist. I need to explore all of this. I need to feel whole again.